Late to the party...

yes... I joined the masses... and no I don't care... because I love it... and this semi-blonde is having lots of fun :) Oh and I did it myself BOOM!

^^^ oh mr Chef how did you sneak in here? You beautiful beautiful sneaky man. What I would do without that beard I couldn't tell ya.

Hope ya'll are enjoying your week. I assume I am... (posting in advance - check me out all kinds of organised... well not organised ORGANISED... this is only number 2 of 2 scheduled posts when I am away for at least 2 weeks with no laptop... but ho hey... life comes first and all that jazz) 

Love love xo

Lately...

In light of the recent 'heavy' posts I thought it time to do a little up date.

As this goes live I will be on a plane, with my love, heading home to celebrate my birthday! YAY!! 28... how did that happen?

The snow is melting here in the alps and the rain is certainly helping to wash away the winter. The greens of the meadows and trees are now coming out and I can deal with the rain if it means I get some colour in my life again.

We are enjoying this time off. We spend our rainy days indoors and every second of the sunshine outside, riding bikes, climbing walls and finding yummy places to eat lunch.

Now that we are on the path we have so longed to be on for 2 winters I feel like things have relaxed around here (yes, even with my incessant broodiness) We know where we are heading and I for one am really starting to learn how to enjoy the moment. I am trying so hard to not always be so focused on 'what's next' and I am reveling in the here and now.

I feel The Chef and I are closer than ever and I really enjoy the comfort of knowing everything is as it should be and this is who I am going to be with forever. The security and routine is something I never knew I needed as much as I did and I am so happy to be holed up, in our little mountain home and I don't mind one bit that his lovely beardy face may be the only face I see for a few days at a time.

I hope you all had a swell weekend. Love Elle xo

knock me up already!!

Looking through my archives I can see that I have already covered this topic, and then some... look here, here , AND here if you can stomach the baby gushing! 

But alas... here goes:

Wow guys my ovaries are taking a beating of late. The feeling I get, well I say "feeling", it's more hunger/craving... it sometimes consumes me, knocks me right off my little feet and I don't know how to stop it. 


^^^this has kicked off my broodiness so bad, and I am a glutton for punishment, I have watched it at least four times! 

Today I googled to see if extreme broodiness was a medical condition. No, no it is not... but I now know how to spot the signs of a broody hen -  which seem to be the same symptoms as I have... 

from The Poultry Help Forum:

The drive to brood can be extreme, and hens have been known to sit not only on eggs, but on golf balls, even pebbles.  A broody will hoard eggs from other hens, and if you have more than one broody hen they will squabble over the eggs and try to steal them off each other.

Extreme? Yes, got that... and I don't sit on babies but I will cuddle one if I get the slightest chance and I have been known to squabble over a new born proclaiming "it's MY turn!" YIKES 

Broodiness is usually preceded by a reluctance to leave a nesting box.  At first the hen may only show some indecision, and wander in and out of the nesting area several times without ever settling.

OK, I've got this too... I spend my days not really concentrating on anything in particular. I feel like I should be doing something else, like I don't know... growing a human and I can definitely admit to being reluctant to leaving my nesting box (read:bed) 

So it seems in order to brake this broodiness the Chef has to step in and take a few rather drastic measures: 

the brooding instinct is hormonally driven, and to some extent is self perpetuating so you need to intervene and 'switch off' the hormone production.  the aim is two fold: a) not give the hen any where comfortable to nest, and b) to cool her abdomen down.

So it looks like I am getting kicked out of our bed and into some very icy baths. Man alive, can't he just knock me up already and we can get over this?! 

Little new born squished sleepy faces are JUST the best

But seriously, It is becoming a drag. I am finding myself so unenthusiastic for anything else. I am constantly thinking about it and I worry I am going to push my love away. There is so much more he wants to do before the time comes, and if I'm honest, I too want to do those things. Actually I would LOVE to do the year of travelling we talk about, and the simplifying of our life that we dream about but right now I feel like I have no control. 

This isn't like a monthly craving for a bar of chocolate this is some serious shit, and I feel like I can't do anything about it, other than procreate. Sometimes I can convince myself that it is just my biological clock tick tocking away and it is my genetic make up that is causing this intense desire. That my DNA and hormones are just on an evolutionary track to make sure the line carries on but sometimes it gets the better of me. 

I think to myself that this is not just some random broodiness of wanting to mother a little cute lump of pink to dress up and play house with. I have done my research, I have done my time... I know how this shit works and I want it more than I think anyone has ever wanted it (not true, I know... but it feels like that)

Case and point... today we went to visit the brand new baby I will be nannying for from June. She was 6 weeks early and at 6 weeks old today she is still only 7lbs and I got to cuddle her, and rock her to sleep and I felt more comfortable and more content holding that tiny little body than I have in ages. I felt that yes, this is it... this is what I should be doing... all.the.time. 

I find it so distracting, this broodiness, if there is a baby or small child, anywhere near me I will ignore everything that is going on and stop to smile and say hello and coo. I get sidetracked in conversations when I see a situation about to unfold where a little one could fall, or is being shouted at for something avoidable. 
I can't keep eye contact over the table at a restaurant if there is a child on a neighbouring table, especially with an elbow too close to a drink... and I feel bad. I feel sorry for my Chef, not only because I must drive him bananas with my baby hunger, but because when the time comes I am going to be the biggest baby hog in the world. I just know how truly amazing he is going to be as a daddy and me and my ovaries are too damn impatient. 

Was definitely only going to post one photo of The Chef holding a baby but GAH!! TOO TOO cute. Could not resist! 

But please know dear love, if you are reading this, that the biggest reason I want a babby, regardless of science is because I want to make a family with you. 

I will wait dear friends, and I may not wait patiently, but I know every day of waiting will give us the time to make our family stronger, for me and him to become the best we can be and every single day I do wait will be worth it. 

Love me and my ovaries xo ... (I think I may have said ovaries too much in this post... sorry) 

self love

I have talked on this blog before about women, and the struggles we face and the relationship we have with not only one another but with ourselves.

Self image and esteem are such fragile things and are so important to everyone, but here I will talk about women. Not because men don't struggle with these issues, but because I am a woman and I know how it feels to be me.


I have written here before about body image. And even though I am talking about it more than I would like to, it is still very much at the forefront of my brain and that is for one simple reason. I am not happy, I am not healthy...

"I think this need for "celebrating" body shape is so dangerous and so narcissistic. Our weight or body image doesn't DEFINE who we are. How we feel and how we act and how we contribute to the world defines us. 

We should strive to be healthy on the inside, emotionally and physically (which is sometimes difficult, I drop the ball more than I would like to admit) and whatever the outcome on the outside, as long as we are happy WHAT does is matter?"

I look at some of my friends, who I hold to be some of the most beautiful women in the world. I look at them and I envy their waist lines, their slim thighs, their pert breasts and as much as I wish I didn't; I find myself comparing myself to almost everyone... especially around this time of year.

Throughout the winter I hide away in ski gear and thick jumpers. I don't really care how I look when I am clothed and it's only my poor but VERY understanding boyfriend who has to put up with the monthly self loathing. However, dum dum duurrrrr. The seasons start changing, the woolly jumpers make a bee line for the garage (our 28m2 apartment does not house more than one season's wardrobe at any one time) and I am faced with the fact that no, I am not a supermodel. In fact my abs are unfortunately hiding below a layer of blubber and my thighs... well yes they touch... and I am MISERABLE.

The amount of pressure I put on myself and the words I use to describe myself hurt me when I see the look on The Chef's face when I say them. I see him wince when I put HIS girlfriend down, when I point out all her physical faults. I am told that I should listen to him when HE says I am beautiful and all those other words HE uses to describe me (I am not THAT good at the self appreciation - so I will keep them to myself) but it is ME that needs to think that I am those things.  It is ME that has to be comfortable wearing this body.

Sometimes I get SO mad at the media. I feel such rage towards all those people who tell me daily that I am not good enough. That my legs aren't long enough, my thighs aren't slim enough and that my face isn't beautiful enough. I HATE the way we as women are made to feel forever in competition with each other.

Because of course, if we were photoshop-ed to the nth degree we would all LOVE our bodies hey?

See the thing is that when I feel so hurt by the media, when I don't feel like I am enough what do I do? Well naturally I fill my gaping hole of self loathing with cake. As you do, and guess what... it makes me feel WORSE!

I am starting to realise that it is I who has the responsibility for ME, for the way I look. Yes those magazines are unattainable and the media should accept responsibility for the images they are portraying to the women of the world but alas, the battle I really want to win is the one I have with myself.

There is only one way to make me happy about what I see in the mirror and that is to change the way I live. I want to be healthy, I want to ski things I could never ski before, I want to run like the wind and be comfortable in a bikini, I want to get in the shower and actually look down and be ok with it all. I don't want inhibitions around The Chef, and I want to live for a heck of a long time.

Therefore I have resigned myself that this is going to take some hard work. There is no one stop cure, no pill to pop, no fasting myself thin... I have to embrace this challenge with everything I have got. I want to be healthy inside and out, and that includes my brain/my self esteem. While I think the way I do, I am never going to be ok with what I see when I am at the beach, regardless of how slim/toned/healthy I look. I need to be able to own what I am striving for physically and that's why I am choosing to take my time with it. I am choosing to change my life style. I am choosing to learn to love myself.

Owning it

At the moment, things are going well. I am more active than I have been in a long time. Some days are harder than others. On those days, I give myself what I am craving and then I get right back on the wagon. I am embracing the physical exercise and I think both The Chef and I are enjoying the change in my mood.

One day I want to bring a daughter into this world. I want to show her that women are beautiful, that women are strong and that it is important to love yourself. I want her to have a confident Mama, who is healthy on the outside and in, who can lead the way. Who can hold her hand when she is feeling like the 'fat' friend, or the 'skinny' friend, or the 'ugly' friend. We all get those days, and we've all been there. But it is US that has to take responsibility for ourselves. I want to empower my daughter with the tools to learn that hard work and a good attitude really do help you achieve your goals and when you feel good, you look good, regardless of the size of your dress or the 6 cookies you ate at lunch. The emphasis is on what you can bring to the world, it is important to be a good person, to be the best you, you can be and even though the shape of a body isn't what's important, the shape of the mind IS. If you are not happy and you're not healthy then giving to the world becomes a very difficult and daunting task.

Looking for a confident mother and daughter beach scene only produced pictures of slim women. I am in no way saying only slim is good. Any body shape or size is good if you are healthy and you own it. 

If you can run when you want to run, and you can dance when you want to dance and you can do it all with a smile on your face not caring about how you look, heck ENJOYING how you look, then my friend, you have won... at life, and I am excited for the day I am standing with you, doing handstands on the beach, in a bikini!

Love Elle xo

Musings from the sky

Remember when I said I was flying to Ireland?! The morning of said flight I received an SMS telling me it was cancelled! Yes cancelled. I was gutted... Not only was I awake at 6am for no reason but it also meant that i wouldn't be in Ireland that day with my very bestest, eating sushi and drinking bison grass vodka (seriously I only need the slightest whiff of a city to be immersed in cosmopolitan activities like brunch and leather handbags)
So here I am, sitting on a plane thinking of how I should have touched down in Dublin yesterday morning. How my head should be sightly fuzzy from mojitos and live music. But alas I am 30,000ft in the air.
Yesterday I had a wonderful extra "free" day with my love. We lunched, listened to amazing Italian music that was so impossibly loud that we sat in silence over pizza so happy and content in the sun... Oh the glorious glorious sun. Sun so bright that I wore factor 30 and a sun hat! Later that night we went climbing (yes I climb now, I have the ugly shoes to prove it... Function over fashion, my inner city girl quarrels with my mountain maid persona daily) and now I am looking disappointedly at my gross nails that I filed and buffed and painted for my city stay. It's quite a feat to have nails not only the same length but also shiny without grime or chalk down them.
It's a funny thing flying when you are in a loving relationship, especially when you are the over dramatic type who likes to think she dreams in poems and cries to songs she imagines walking down the isle to... I have never been scared of flying, I am daring ( seriously... I CLIMB now!!!) I like to think of myself as impossibly adventurous and remember the days when I leaped before I looked with a fierce fondness... But here I am, 30,000 ft in the sky, with Paris underneath me; panicking. Worrying that something terrible might happen. I feel my priorities are so different now and my one goal in life is to stay alive, is to be alive ... For him... For us... For our future. I have never wanted to be alive as much as I do right now and Bubba, I can only thank you for that. I love you and I hope you have a mellow brake from your ridiculously over dramatic calamity Jane... :)

And for all those still with me... Go listen to Grimes... She is A C E ...

Watch out Ireland. I am almost here!! Love Elle xo

I can't post pics within my text on my phone... Blogger app is sooooo lacking!